happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
