last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
