'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
