five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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