please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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