i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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