I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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