im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Randomize
