did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
