nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
