I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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