I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
