Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
