My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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