Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
