Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I need a beard to bite.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
