It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
