is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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