yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
