The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
