Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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