it wasn't lemon gatorade
sarcasm needs its own font
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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