I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
