I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
