TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
