ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Let's get the cat blown out
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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