Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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