I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
