I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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