please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
