mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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