Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize