the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
