dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
