the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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