In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
True strength comes from lack of pants
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
