hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
