FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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