while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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