I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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