My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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