I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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