If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
