If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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