i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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