Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
