You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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