dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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