Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
