Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
