i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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