i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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